THE PHOENIX IN MY SOUL

The Phoenix

Art on Canvas by Zach Wong: http://www.zachwong.com/html/dragon.html

There’s a Phoenix deep within me

It lives within my soul,

I’m not certain how I know this

But it’s there, to make me whole.

 

When the torments of this body,

Become too much to bear,

I’m enveloped by depression

With a mood too dark to care.

 

I care not if the sun sets or rises,

I care not if it’s rainy or dry.

Despair darkens my life

And all I can do is cry.

 

Sometimes it’s the pain, itself,

Or pain brought on by others.

Ingratitude, ignorance, indifference

From a friend, a spouse or brother.

 

I know it’s difficult for some,

To know what I live each day.

They can’t see beyond themselves,

Self-interest blinds their way.

 

I recall the tale of the Phoenix

A bird that lived 500 years

Before throwing himself on a pyre

To be consumed, so it appears.

 

Once soaring like an eagle

Aloft, upon the wind,

It’s said he did plunge and dive

Determined to descend.

 

When his life is lost in ashes

And he is at an end,

A new Phoenix then arises

In full glory doth ascend.

 

My life is not enchanted,

I fear it’s all too real.

Every morning on waking,

Same old Achilles heel.

 

Only in dreams can I forget

Or soar above the Parthenon

Where I’m pain free and strong

Then I fall to earth each dawn.

 

It’s always there, waiting,

This aching, this disease, this demise

As I argue out loud to my Maker

“Dear God, teach me to be wise.”

 

It’s not enough to survive each day

As challenging as that is,

I aspire to find hidden places

While I walk the precipice.

 

Some days the pain pulls me down,

I feel myself start to descend

Then I recall that brave Phoenix

And find the power, somehow, to transcend.

 

I know that I can rise above,

Exceed, perhaps, excel.

When I’m feeling very brave

I turn and face this hell.

 

I look it in the face and say,

“This is not what I desire,

This is not what I had planned,

Guess it’s time to hit that pyre.”

 

I succumb, and let it take me down.

I cry, I shout, I grieve,

Into the fires of my pain

I find the courage to believe.

 

Thank you, dear Phoenix,

For the fine example you set.

This pain, it can’t consume me

The pain can’t get me, yet.

 

 

Sue Falkner Wood

 

 

193 thoughts on “THE PHOENIX IN MY SOUL

  1. Well finally caught up on all of you. And a couple of new faces as well. Welcome to you all
    With ms Alice she can’t remember my name. Knows who I am and all about me. Just not my name. Same with her daughter. Poor thing. My friend Millie is not happy. Won’t talk to me on the phone. Wrote me a letter saying she just had nothing good to say cause her health is so bad. She makes me angry. She is so blessed to be home with her husband to care for her. In her right mind. But wallowing in depression !!
    But. Nothing I can do from here. I sent her a card back. I need to do so every week I guess
    Life is hard. But when you look around you most times you see just how blessed you are.
    Leaving you with that thought
    Love
    Tonie

    • Tonie, Poor Ms. Alice. I know it ‘s hard on the whole family but she has no control at her age and state. Prayers for her. I am sorry Millie is having such a hard time. It’s not like you to be so hard on a good friend. I must be missing something. Hope she pulls out of her depression but she does deserve the benefit of the doubt and understanding, don’t you think? Glad you have your weekend away coming fairly soon and hope it is one of peace. Thinking of you. We each have our own road to travel, our own set of circumstances to deal with as we can or cannot. Remember I love you. Sue

  2. Hello…..it finally started to improve mid afternoon, all those hours not knowing how to fix it, all I could do was keep bathing it with warm water then when I could tolerate it, put drops for dry eyes in……could well be neurological, can’t think of anything else, been having this for about 5 years now.
    Thank you so much ladies, once again you all came to my rescue with prayers, and you all with your own troubles…….it meant so much to me………………………………..love to you all….Jennie xxx

    • Jennie, I agree with Janet. Lots of moisture drops or just plain bottle of eye wash both help. I have had a few of these episodes and find it helps to keep steroid prescription eye drops on hand if you can’t get in to see the eye doc. I hope pain pills and moisture drops are helping you to get some sleep tonight. Thoughts for you dear girl, Sue

      • HI SUE…..THANKS ONCE AGAIN FOR THE ADVICE, AND FROM YOU TOO CHRIS.
        EYES OK AT THE MOMENT, BUT HAVE INCREASED THE DROPS TO THROUGHOUT THE DAY INSTEAD OF JUST MORNING AND NIGHT…….SACHA IS OK TOO, TOOK HIM FOR HIS FOLLOW UP THIS MORNING, SHE GAVE HIM A THOROUGH EXAMINATION, AND DIDN’T YANK HIS PAW BACK LIKE LAST TIME, SHE WRIGGLE THE JOINT AROUND SEVERAL TIMES, AND ALL WAS WELL….OH LORD THE RELIEF FOR ME WAS OVERWHELMING, SO WE JUST HAVE TO WATCH HIM, AND IF HE REGULARLY LIFTS HIS PAW AND CRIES, THEN BACK HE GOES, BUT SHE THINKS HE MAY DO IT ONLY ONCE I A WHILE, BUT THAT IS ACCEPTABLE, ESPECIALLY IF HE DOESN’T CRY WITH IT.
        STILL WAITING FOR AN OSTEO APPT, MAY BE BETTER TO CALL IN ON ROUTE TO THE SHOPS IN THE MORNING.

        JANET…I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I CAN’T SEE YOUR POST TO ME, HOWEVER I SEE CHRIS AGREES WITH WHAT YOU HAVE SAID, SO THANK YOU…I WILL DO THAT.

        CHRIS….GLAD YOU ENJOYED THE LECTURE….I SHALL BE ASKING QUESTIONS LATER, SO HOPE YOU WERE PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION. DELIGHTED THAT DH IS GETTING ON FINE AND DAD TOO…..SOME RESPITE FOR YOU LOVE….X

        SUE…..SORRY NO WASHER STILL, WHAT A PAIN, THAT WILL BE NICE FOR YOU TO HAVE THE GRANDS FROM SCHOOL A COUPLE OF DAYS……MAYBE THEY CAN HELP WITH TAKING THE WASHING DOWN BELOW, BUT HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE ALL FIXED BY THEN………………..X

        LOVE TO EVERYONE, HAVE A GOOD DAY…….JENNIE XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    • Hi Jennie, Answering you on yesterday’s post but did read today’s. So pleased that Sacha is doing better. Hope you get into the osteo very soon. Pleased the eye continues to respond to the drops. What a relief for you.
      Got to get ready to go to cardio rehab. Trying to get in at least two visits per week, even if it is uncomfortable. Oh well, ours is to do what is best for us, even if it hurts, right? Take care and hope your weather has cooled considerably. Take care, Love, Sue

  3. Jen
    Keep pouring the drops in Your eyes…I put mine in every 20mins sometimes.hope it keeps getting better now
    I wonder if the heat you’ve had had anything to do with if….

    Well had a good day
    History lecture really great ,heard it all. In a theatre this time. Met lots of Old friends and chatted .it was good .of course they got invited to the shed!
    DH has bp check with Dr tomorrow and ofcourse it’s coming down ! But that’s good
    My dad seems ok with carer from new agency have to see how it goes
    Tonie
    I Do hope Millie can start to see life a bit better.just a shift in thoughts….
    You must be getting exited now getting ready to go away
    Sue
    How’s it going? Washer???
    Chris

    • Chris, SOunds like some good news from your direction. We’ll take it. Hope Dad behaves but cautiously optimistic. Maybe he always needed a male caregiver. Glad DH has a reasonable B/P. As far as my washer, still don’t have the part but made it clear we will not be paying for missing part when it finally arrives. We do have the old one in the basement but it’s such a hassle and awfully hard on my back. Bless him, Jim does what he can do as far as hauling stuff.
      I’m late getting back on here today. Had to babysit the kids today instead of Friday. Had a good one with them. THeir schools start next week and then I will have them two afternoons a week after school.
      I’m so pleased you enjoyed the history lecture and ran into some old friends. Socialization is so healthy for us, isn’t it? Sometimes we get far too isolated for our own good but what else is there to do when we’re just barely holding our head above water on some days. Thank God there is always tomorrow. Oh my, I sound like Scarlett O’hara. Take care dear. Love, Sue

  4. Hi sue
    I didnt explain now he has changed agencies he has a lady carer again.im not sure if they are as up with it as the other but time will tell .thats what my dad chose instead of the one where he had to make a contribution..they are still expensive to the NHS £770 a week it gets reviewed again in October ..so I have more hoops to jump thru then again!
    dH had bp checked and it is good..sent him off for blood tests tho.and he kept it away from me that his balance had gone I saw that anyway but presumed it was the tablets but he has in ear infection feeling grotty so has antibiotic with steroid drops
    I do hope this washer gets itself seen to…I could do with a new mother board! Suit me fine
    Another start to the school year ours start next week here too
    Jen
    I hope all is well
    Tonie
    Not long to go now till you’re away
    Lyn
    Good to hear from you
    I forget what you posted as I’ve got to look on the other page ,don’t like to In case this disappears
    But I hope all goes well with SB injection ,he has to put up with a lot I know
    DD does seem to be getting along great.is she over all that problem she had that made her poorly?t sounds as if she is
    Back later Chris
    Nice and cool and sunny and dry here today.

    • Chris, it sounds like life is going okay for now but I am sorry to hear DH has an ear infection. That sounds uncomfortable for the poor guy. Any cause for dizziness is a concern. I hope he gets along well on the antibiotics and gets some relief. How is this effecting his hearing aids?
      The situation with your Dad must get frustrating but as long as it’s running smoothly, guess better left alone, right? Sorry you have so much paperwork to do each time. Do have a good day sweet girl, okay? Yes, it will be good to finally get this bummer of a washer fixed. Will call and bug them again today. Love, Sue

  5. PS….THE REASON I COULDN’T SEE JANETS POST OR ANYONE ELSE’S ABOVE THE DATE OF 2ND SEPT IS THAT BETWEEN THE ENDING OF THE POEM OF SUE’S, AND THE NEW POST FROM THE 2ND ARE ADVERTS FOR COCONUT OIL….NO I AM NOT KIDDING, WHERE THE OLDER POSTS SHOULD BE, I AM GETTING THAT….HAVEN’T A CLUE WHAT IS HAPPENING.???

  6. Hello, everyone! SB’s ablation went swimmingly well. Now his lumbar region is equal again. 🙂 (He had the right side done a couple of weeks ago.) It’s not an injection. They actually use imaging to help locate the nerve at the facet joint(s) that is giving him trouble, insert an electrode and use radio frequency to “burn” the nerve. So far his have been re-enervating at around a year, but in some cases they nerve remains deadened and the procedure never needs repeating. Usually they put him under, wake him briefly to make sure they have the right nerves, then put him back under for the actual ablation. He doesn’t recall the time awake. This time, however, they just lightly sedated him into a twilight sedation so he was awake the whole time. There was some discomfort while locating the exact nerves, but nothing he couldn’t handle. They were all so impressed and he liked it so much they will probably do the same in future. Now if they could only find something helpful for us mid-upper back.

    • Lyn, Yes, I agree with everyone. So pleased the ablation went so well. Let’s hope it doesn’t rejuvenate at the troubled spot. I find the radio ablations very fascinating. Had one done on my heart in 2008 and it was also slightly uncomfortable but no big deal. You definitely want a doc who knows what he’s doing. Good for him to have it over and we all pray his symptoms ease. Love, Sue

  7. Hope all goes good at the cardio sue
    I’ve been a bit rough today after talking so much yesterday the sjogrens and my vocal cords playing up
    My breathing gone wonky too
    My diet going ok so far. lost a few pounds
    Gonna try and get some shuteye
    Chris

    • Chris, sorry you’re having a rougher day. The vocal cords, dryness, over use and breath are all so interrelated. I find I am short of breath far more often now and am hoping for help from the workout. Nearly killed me today with so much pain in my back. I should go there more than twice a week. They’ll be closed next Mon. for our Labor Day and then on Tuesday we go to Portland for three doctor’s appts. One of them is my infusion for the osteoporosis. I know I can help by working out more at home but must find the discipline to do it. So pleased for you that your diet is working. Hey, every pound counts. They eventually add up. Rest well. Love, Sue

    • HELLO……

      CHRIS…WELL DONE WITH YOUR DIET, SORRY YOU ARE FEELING A BIT ROUGH, I CAN SEE YOUR ENTRY WAS FOR YESTERDAY, SO HOPEFULLY, YOU ARE ON THE UP NOW. XX

      SUE….HOPE THE CARDIO WENT WELL, DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR RESULTS, OR IS IT ON THE SPOT?
      IS THAT DARNED WASHER FIXED YET?

      TONIE…GLAD YOU COULD FIX THE GOOD EYE FOR RED, YES HE MOST CERTAINLY KNEW HIS MAMA WOULD SORT IT OUT……
      SORRY YOU HAVE BEEN STRUCK WITH A BAD COLD, HOPE YOU SOON FEEL BETTER IN TIME FOR LABOUR DAY. XX

      HAPPY DAY AND BLESSINGS TO ALL…….LOVE JENNIE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

      • Jennie, Cardio/pulmonary lab is like a gym or workout center. It’s machines, weights, etc. I’m not sure what results you mean but it’s more for the workout. They take your B/P and pulse before and after. I’ll probably be going a couple of times a week and on a good week three times. I had pain all night from yesterday’s session. 30 mins. on the machines is really pushing my pain buttons but I’m hoping to gain strength.
        Hope you and Sacha are both doing okay today. Have a good weekend. Love, Sue

  8. Good morning peeps:
    Jennie, so glad you are feeling better. I went out to feed this am and Red was standing at the fence, I told him good morning and went on to the chickens. He was still there. So I went to pet him. His good eye was swollen almost shut. Poor thing came to me to fix him. So I bathed it in warm salt water, cleaned it out and he acted like it was so much better. Must have stuck something in it under the trees or a bug got in it. Anyway, will clean it again later. He knew to come to Mommy to get fixed though.
    I have got the kids cold big time. Still abed, with much to do. But the house is quiet and empty. THey have gone house hunting. Pray they find the right one.
    Sue I am upset with Millie that she doesn’t realize how good she has it, and yet she is downtrodden because she is aging. I get that, but she won’t even talk to people on the phone. Says she has nothing good to say. That both worries me and angers me. SHe is tougher than that.
    Well must nap a bit, then see if I can get something done. Maybe start painting the back deck
    Love to all
    Tonie

    • Tonie, Sorry to hear you’re feeling lousy with a cold. Hope it gets better very soon and also pray the kids find a house to rent. How are the rent prices back there compared to AZ? Sorry to hear about Red, poor baby. Good to know he has so much confidence in you and your faithfulness to him. Did you find a home for the other rooster? Look at you with all your domestic problems and all you have compared to a couple of years ago. Have a good weekend and get well, okay? Love, Sue

      • Sue:
        Yes, the Lord is so good !! How quickly He can turn things around from nothing to extremely blessed !! I told Nikki she has to get a home where she can have chickens. Then she can take the rooster and little hen with her. James is so taken with the chickens, he takes care of them daily. THey found several homes they liked. Red is doing better. I am not. Feeling worse today. But the kids went to see her brother til Sunday, so I have a peaceful home today. I can rest and maybe feel better. I have the boys to be sick with me.
        Rent prices are much better here compared to Az. She was paying $645 for a 2 bedroom apt, here she was looking at a 4 bedroom home for $800. So depending on where you go, Some people charge California prices cause they are greedy, others are more down to earth.
        I did get part of the back porch painted yesterday, did laundry, cleaned the house and put up some curtains I had been putting off. Then I just collapsed 🙂
        Okay, gonna make another pot of tea with honey and lemon. The first one was so good and soothing. Maybe add some toast to it !! 🙂
        Hope you all have a Blessed day !!
        Love
        Tonie

  9. Left early evening to come to shed until Sunday
    Dentist Monday ,tooth she filled needs smoothing down a bit gum all bruised.and will go with my dad to a dermatologist appt for his moles on Wednesday
    Lyn how you?
    Tonie
    Hope the cold clears up before you go away
    Sue
    Three appts! It will be a busy day
    Just watching sunset
    Bit cold now here got central heating on
    Chris

    • I’m doing all right, Chris. It is hot and humid here right now, so I’m feeling the humidity a bit. But it’s DD’s birthday! So I’m enjoying the day with her. Went with her to her hair appt. this morning, a little down time this afternoon, then she, DH and I are headed out to a local winery for a little picnic, music and some wine and beer tasting. SB has to work. 😦

      • Lyn, Happy birthday to DD. Hope it’s a happy and memorable occasion for each of you. Also, hope the weather cools and dries a bit for you very soon. Love, Sue

    • Chris, indeed Fall has definitely arrived here this week. Your remark about your heater is why I’m talking about the weather. There was a chill in the air this morning when I went to the post office, video store and market. Got home in a mess of pain and Jim was kind enough to come home and carry in the loaded trunk of groceries. Looking forward to a long weekend here and then the trip to Portland on Tuesday which will be a long day.
      Sure hope your throat and all is better today. Do you have a humidifier you can take with you to both homes? I really can see a difference when I don’t have mine on. The difference in the dryness of my membranes in nose and throat is very significant. Glad you’re at the coast and hope you are relaxing with a good book. Love, Sue

  10. Morning all:
    Well fall is definitely on the way, even thought the weather is still ac hot here ! The geese are flying over every morning. I get so tickled at Nikki and James, standing on the deck every morning watching them go over. They are so in love with country living right now it is just downright cute !
    I am home alone for a couple of days and it is eerily quite in the house, I kept waking up in the night listening for noises, worried that I wasn’t hearing them, then remembering they were gone to visit my son. 🙂 It will be an adjustment when they find their home. Looked at some nice ones yesterday. Nikki really wants to sty up here, but is looking at the job market and such. Wants to get the girls in an art school in Winston Salem, so …
    Chris, you are gonna be busy, as are a lot of you. Happy Birthday to DD Lyn. Hope she had a good one and you enjoyed being with her. Next year I will be able to be with mine for hers. Something not done in a few years.
    Hope you all have a blessed day
    Love
    Tonie

    • Tonie dear, I do so love hearing about how much the kids are all enjoying country life. I pray Nikki and James can find work so they can stay on the mountain. The rents do sound wonderful compared to what they had in AZ. I am so happy for them and know the children are also having a new life. I also know how very much you are enjoying having them all close to you. Now that that is said, I also know you will welcome your privacy but seriously doubt you will ever be without a grandchild or two in your mobile home.
      Sorry about that wretched cold. Now you push the fluids and rest so you can go for your weekend at the beach, okay? I loved hearing how much James loves the chickens…a whole new life for them and I hope it will be a smooth path but life being life hope they will weather the storms as they surely come along with a large family. I get the feeling Nikki is appreciating you more than ever before as she grows and deals with her own family. Life has a way of coming around, doesn’t it. Yes, the Lord is good. Love you, Sue

  11. HELLO…….SORRY SUE, I DIDN’T REALISE THAT’S WHAT YOU MEANT, 30 MINS IS QUITE A LONG TIME TO WORK OUT, BUT I GUESS YOU WILL STOP THAT KIND OF HURTING AS YOUR BODY GETS USED TO IT. SACHA IS DOING GOOD….I HAD ANOTHER ATTACK WITH MY EYE TODAY, BUT NOT QUITE AS BAD AS WEDNESDAY……I AM WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE AN ALLERGY???? SEEMS A BIT SEVERE FOR THAT, BUT NOT RULING IT OUT.

    TONIE….GOOD LUCK TO THE KIDS WITH THE RENTAL, AND I HOPE THE COLD SOON CLEARS OFF……HOW IT THE EYE FOR RED NOW? WOULD BATHING IT WITH CAMOMILE TEA HELP? ALWAYS USED THAT ON MY ANIMALS, I GUESS IT COULD WORK FOR A HORSE JUST THE SAME!!!

    CHRIS….GOOD LUCK AT THE DENTIST, AND WITH DAD ON WEDNESDAY, COLD HERE TOO IN THE EVENING, HEATING ON, AND A HOT WATER BOTTLE AT NIGHT, EVEN STARTED TO PUT SOME OF MY THINNER SUMMER STUFF AWAY…..MORE FUN GETTING THEM OUT…AH WELL, GOT TO GET ON WITH IT…….

    LYN……SORRY I MISSED DD’S BIRTHDAY, ITS ONE OF THE PROBLEMS WITH THE TIME DIFFERENCE HERE, BUT HOPE IT WAS FUN FOR YOU ALL.

    OKAY GOT TO GO…..A LOT TO DO TODAY……MUCH LOVE TO EVERYONE, KEEPING YOU ALL IN MY PRAYERS….JENNIE XX

    • Morning all
      Still feeling poorly this morning. Sue I had your egg in the toast for supper last night. Fran got me some bread she had in California, comes from a bakery just down the street from where I lived in Az. 🙂 Very good stuff though.
      Staying home from church and resting this am, don’t want to get people sick, lot of older people. Anyhow, yes Jennie Camomile would work good. But the salt water helped. He has healed right up.
      I need to fix me a pot of tea now. Seems it helps me feel better. Had coffee but it just ain’t cuttin it.
      Sue, I think Nikki is so glad to be back in the country. She don’t want to go back to town and live. The little ones are so enthralled with everything they see. It is just so nice to sit in my living room and relax. Yes, it will be nice to have my privacy back, but so good to be able to see the babies (and my kids) with more regularity. I know you understand about the distance between us and our grandchildren.
      Hope you are all feeling well this am. You are in my prayers
      Love
      Tonie

      • TONIE……SO GLAD TO EAR THE SALT WATER HAS HELPED RED, SOMETIMES IT CAN BE AS SIMPLE AS THAT HUH?
        IS NIKKI GOING TO SETTLE NEAR YOU….I HOPE SO, IT IS SO MUCH MORE HEALTHY FOR THE LITTLE ONES, DOES THIS MEAN SHE WILL BE CLOSER TO YOU IN DISTANCE? SOMETIMES WE EUROPEANS DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW FAR ONE ZONE IS FROM ANOTHER, ALTHOUGH HERE IN FRANCE WE HAVE A MORE SCALED DOWN VERSION, IN THE UK, BEING A SMALL COUNTRY, IT DOESN’T TAKE LONG TO GET FROM A TO B.
        ANYWAY, I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR PEACE AND QUIET FOR AWHILE……………….MUCH LOVE JENNIE XX

      • Tonie, hope that cold is clearing up each day. Glad to hear Red is better. I totally agree that it is a wonderful thing to have the kids close…just as long as you get enough rest and they aren’t dropped with you too often. It sounds like things have improved so much that won’t be a problem as it often was in AZ. I’m so happy they are all getting a new start in life and what a wonderful place to do it. Hope they’re having a good visit with Sean, your son, this weekend. Timing is good with you being ill. Get better soon dear lady. Love, Sue

    • Jennie, So sorry I neglected to get back to you yesterday. I hope your eye is feeling better today. Sounds like you had a busy day planned yesterday and I hope you were up to getting some of it accomplished. We awoke to a cold morning here with a soft rain. I think summer has ended unless we get a bit of a warm up sometime this month. That sometimes happens.
      I see the SECRET GARDEN is on TV this morning. I remember reading the book as a child and being so impressed with the film as a child. Do you remember it with Margaret O’Brian? It was one of the first films that used color only in the garden scenes and was a film of hope and dreams, making them appear possible. That was as important to me as a child as it is now since I was sick so much then as now. Life is indeed strange, isn’t it? I hope dear Sacha is better as are you. Looks like a quiet day here. Love, Sue

      • HI SUE…….PM TO YOU, BUT YES I DO REMEMBER SECRET GARDEN……I READ THE BOOK TOO, BET CHRIS DID AS WELL….GOING BACK AWHILE HUH? SACHA IS OK……MY EYE, TO BE HONEST IT SCARES ME, NEVER KNOW WHEN ITS GOING TO STRIKE, THAT’S WHAT I HATE THE MOST, NO WARNING………NEVER MIND, JUST GOT TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD DAYS………….LOVE YOU…..JEN X

      • Hi Sue..I just had to comment on your post to Jennie about the Secret Garden. That is one of my favorite movies of all time. So full of hope and faith. I read the book when I was very young and then saw the remake of the Secret Garden starring Maggie Smith in 1993 at the theater. It was the most beautiful movie visually and musically that I’ve ever seen. Have you seen that one? If not, rent it if you can and you will see what I mean. The grands would enjoy it too. I took my then young nephews to see it at the movies.
        So glad you are making it to rehab. I know it takes much effort to go. I feel the same way about going for p.t.
        Hope you’re having a relaxing and peaceful weekend. Love, Jo

  12. Hi Jo, I’ve been wondering how you are doing. So, another one of us to love the book and the films. Yes, I’ve seen the newer one and thought it was wonderful. I believe there was yet another one in there a few years ago but not as good as the first and the last. Just as they’ve made her book the LITTLE PRINCESS into film at least twice. Still love the older version with Shirley Temple the best of that story.
    Glad you’re going to PT. Yes, it’s darn hard at times and the next day even worse but we need the recovery time. I have so much trouble doing the stretches on the off days but try to push myself to do them…sometimes succeeding. Gees, we’re only human, right? Love you, Sue

  13. Hi
    Yea I read the book when young and then with my daughter ,I read it to her when young .then saw the film with her and on TV
    It’s the power of the positive …… it’s magical story
    Back home..DD off work for a week and seeing her tomorrow .mite go for lunch..dentist first!
    Back not too good sacrum playing up again
    Dad rang me late last nite..wants me to ring up NHS ,he doesn’t like this carer…she irritates him he says….Oh dear what can I say to them ,but one thing she doesn’t cook his food properly in the micro and it is cold….so I can mention that.
    Also his neighbour says the place isn’t clean and she s doing it…..that’s the one Im Not happy with…it was her that convinced my dad to sack the better agency.i keep thinking she wants more of a foothold
    DD says to keep out of it. To let him ring them .but I can’t he’s asked me and he can’t speak.,as well as the carer is there all the time,so it’s difficult to talk about it….any suggestions …..
    So that’s a call in the morning then dentist……..
    Tonie
    Not long to go.two sleeps I think till you set off
    Well gonna pack it in now
    Chris

    • Hi Chris, I don’t understand how your Dad could call you but not make his own phone calls to NHS. He’s just up to his old complaints and of course, he’s not going to stand up to the neighbor. I agree with you that she is behind a great deal of this. If the new agency is cheaper, it might be that the care is not as good. Could you just talk to the caregiver yourself without going into his apartment? The other choice is to talk to the neighbor and tell her to butt out. It would tick off your Dad but that doesn’t really matter does it if you are doing it for him? It would also be a warning to her that you have your eye on her. also agree with your daughter who has your best interest at heart. Let me know what you think…okay?
      Sorry you’re not feeling that great and do hope to hear from you. Love ya, Sue

      • Sue
        I know what you say is right but I have all these excuses in my mind
        He rang me late at night as the carer was in her bedroom for the night and the NHS people not there to ring them……Altho she has breaks out In the day and he could ring them then
        Also I’m a coward to talk to the neighbour.i have it in my head that my dad wouldn’t like me to..I know..l know
        Then also I have now told my dad I will do it . I know you and my Dd are right .
        The carer has asked to use my dads phone for the church for an hour tomorrow and tuesday for a three way conference ,the call is a free call..so I don’t know what that is all about. I did ring and ask her and she was so polite about it. My dad has told her about the cold food and it’s still served up not heated properly
        To talk to the carer..well my dad has always got irritated by people’s ways..he used to with me and my mum and call over people who eat ,or did things anything would get his temper up and the carer is one of theseSo there is no hope for her to Improve for him.
        I’ve toldI him they will be running out of options and they will suggest a care home.the old agency did say they would reduce his pay on the price to keep him but I doubt they would do it if he wanted to go back now..but then again he says the last man was odd and the first girl lazy
        I know I’ve avoided all what you said was the best..and my daughter but I can’t get out of the spiral of saying I would do it now .
        I should have said when he told me at first that he must do it himself..but he woke me up,at night and I was,surprised.but also,no one can understand him I can’t really.his speech is so much worse
        My DD is going to see him later today.and this was after she had words with him before about things he was doing so I hope all goes well today and he doesn’t complain to her.it’s all such a mix up.
        I think what I could do,is just ring the office and tell,them my dilemma about it all.i think they will think a lot of it is his mind going .but I could,just tell them and leave it with them. Then tell my dad they are dealing with it now and that’s all I can do….they will prob ring him .but they won’t be able to make out what he says.
        As for the neighbour ..I told my dad she is.behind all this..he won’t have it and gets mad with me
        I just thought if DD goes around and sees her there mite be words said altho I’ve noticed she now shrinks away when we are there
        Oh dear…what a mess…I’m now irritated myself with it and me also for saying I would do it
        I think I’ll just ring tell them a bit of what I’ve said here and leave it with them . Then just ring my dad when the carer has finished her church conference and tell him they are dealing with it

        Also he organised a physio as he cant walk at all then when she rang and they said it would be a month he got angry and I think he must have put the phone down and he won’t say what the outcome was and he has no appt to show for it,and that is what he dies when he’s angry….so now he wants me to chase it but he doesn’t know which physio..so there’s that one as well
        I feel trapped and feel it is of my own making tho
        I’m always of the mind get this sorted and that’ll be that…but it ain’t is it…..but I’d feel guilty if I don’t.SH.T I’m so fed up.DH bp goes up hearing it going on my ibs is Starting again.
        How do I get on with stuff get out of stuff etc
        SH.t I sound so feeble!
        Need your input again sue
        Love chris

  14. Chris dear, I am so sorry you are so upset by this situation with your Dad. I nor anyone else can tell you what to do. You know what you need to do. The answers are already in you. It’s just a matter of finding the way that gives you peace dear friend. He is not at peace and obviously will not be in this life. He is jerking you around and you are letting him. I know it’s hard to break the habits of a lifetime and that is why it has to be done from within, Search your heart and your life and you will do what must be done. You and DH are the ones that have to live with the results of your actions. You cannot control his actions. It upsets me to see such a sweet daughter in this situation and obviously it’s upsetting both your DH and your DD. Pray about it. Think about it and seek courage. Do what you know you have to do. In the end it is your life and DH’s that matters. Your Dad has apparently been playing games with you a long time now. May be time for him to grow up…No??? Then you must. You know how much I love and care about you. You’re in my thoughts and I also pray for you to do what will work for you. Your Dad’s problems, well…they aren’t for you to solve because they cannot be. He will just make new ones. Much love, Sue

    • sue what a lovely and such truthful well thought reply.it was so helpful to read it and I will go read it again.it did give me strength
      Yes I will pray on this one and what my mum would think about it all .it was such a comfort to wake up to this morning to this answer
      Much love Chris

      • Chris dear, do what is best for you. You can’t change your Dad. I don’t know what kind of relationship your Mom had with him but I know she must have been a sweet lady. My thoughts are with you today. Love, Sue

  15. HELLO….HAVING A FUNNY OLD DAY….HATE BLOODY WINDOWS 10……SOME ROTTER HAS SEEN MY PASSWORD, TRYING TO CHANGE IT IS A MINEFIELD…….GOT SENT A CODE, ENTER IT, GET IT REJECTED, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?
    ANYWAY…….
    SATURDAY THE CAR DOOR FELL OFF, AT THE TOP BIT ANYWAY, HAD VISIONS OF DRIVING HOME HOLDING IT ON…RIVETS WENT, IF THEY HAD GONE ON THE BOTTOM PART TOO, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE HAD TO DO….ALL FIXED NOW, SO MAYBE WE WILL GET A TRIP TO THE COAST BEFORE THE WEEK IS OUT AND THE KIDS BACK IN SCHOOL IT WILL BE LESS CROWDED.

    CHRIS…SORRY TO HEAR YOUR SACRUM IS PLAYING UP, BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE YOU WILL GET TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER, AND DO SOME STUFF TOGETHER. CHRIS LOVE, YOU SHOULD TAKE SUE’S ADVICE ABOUT YOUR DAD, I KNOW ITS HARD, BUT IF YOUR DAD IS NOT GETTING THE RIGHT CARE AND HIS HOME IS NOT CLEAN, YOU AS HIS DAUGHTER OR YOUR DD ARE AT LIBERTY TO SPEAK UP. YOU MUST DECIDE ONCE AND FOR ALL LOVE, BECAUSE YOU ARE RUNNING ROUND LIKE A HEADLESS CHUCK AT THE MOMENT, AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY ARE SUFFERING WITH VARIOUS ILLNESSES CAUSED BY ALL THIS STRESS……SO WAY TO GO…..TALK TO THOSE RESPONSIBLE IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY, AND LAY THE LAW DOWN, YOU MUST………………GOOD LUCK AND DON’T FRET…………..LOVE YOU XX

    TONIE…..I GUESS IN THE BIGGER PICTURE A HUNDRED MILES IS NOT SO FAR, AND YOU CAN BE TOGETHER IN LESS THAN 2HOURS…………….THAT WILL BE SMASHING FOR YOU BOTH, HOW I WISH MY NIKKI WAS AS CLOSE…..HOPE THE COLD IS BETTER, AND RED’S EYE…….LOVE JENNIE XX

    SUE….HOPE THE PT IS GOING WELL AND FREEING UP THOSE LIMBS A BIT, LIKE ME I CANNOT EXPECT MIRACLES, BUT IF IT KEEPS US MOVING ITS NO BAD THING……….GOT THE WASHER GOING YET??……MUCH LOVE…JEN XX

    LOVE TO EACH………………………..JENNIE XX HAPPY LABOUR DAY

    • Jennie, glad you got the car door fixed. No washer here as yet. Getting ready to go to Portland for three doctor’s appts. tomorrow. Dreading it. Love, Sue

      • Sue..Thinking and praying for you today as you make your trip into Portland for all your dr. Appointments. I know it will be a long difficult day for you. Wishing you strength for your journey. Love, Jo

  16. Well I decided to tell the carer about it all.asked about the food and meds. So she thanked me for telling her..so all seemed ok.my dad rang and said she was a bit odd to him..well he now says he told her to pull her socks up ..and now all is very good
    So maybe now all will be ok…ish!
    dD went there today and all went well, we met in town for lunch and a bit of shopping
    I’m going there tomorrow so I can get money to him and then going to shed
    Oh and GS has a girlfriend kept it quiet for a few months but he brought her home at the weekend and DD liked her a lot.she is effervescent and chatty and just nice.joined in doing the Sunday meal,and took the dogs for walks…and helped washing up….
    Anyway thank you sue for helping me put my world to rights ,couldn’t find which way to move
    Chris

    • Chris….things seem to be settling down a bit…hope so, glad you are going to the shed love, you seem to get peace there, and you need that. Great news about your GS, good that Mum likes her too, always a good sign. Take heart love, all will be well if you stick to your guns………….love you…Jen xx

  17. Good early morning:
    Dogs woke me to go out for a wee, and I just can’t get back to sleep. Reading all your posts. Sue I know you are going to be so exhausted tomorrow night, I pray you have a good trip and that God will give you strength to get thru it.
    Chris, dear, you are gonna have to find the inner strength to take control of your Dad before he drives you mad. He is at the point where you are gonna have to have total control. You are the parent now, In a way. I see it everyday in my work. Like Sue said, pray about it and get your answer, that you already have. You got thru this spat,but there will be another one soon as you know.
    Well, DD has decided to stay up around here, they didn’t like the idea of being in a city again after living here. Said you couldn’t even see the stars as good ! 🙂 Is what she wanted anyway, just trying to please everyone else.
    Tomorrow I am off !! Got most everything packed, I will finish up in the am. Should be there in the afternoon for lunch ! Fresh seafood, can’t wait !!
    Well ,praying you all have a good day tomorrow. Say a prayer for safe travels for me and the boys.
    Love to you all
    Tonie

  18. Sue and tonie
    Safe journey for you both today
    Tonie have a good rest and enjoy the time there
    Sue I do wish it all was not so far for you,and that you didn’t have to go
    Chris

  19. Sue, Tonie, I hope travel for both of you was uneventful and Sue’s appointments went well, Sue, home and resting, Tonie, enjoying the sights and sounds of beach and ocean. 🙂
    Chris, hang in there and follow your instincts, your heart, and stick to it.
    We’ve had a tragedy nearby in an area modeled after Chautauqua, NY, in the diminutive. Very artsy, quaint cottages, little lake, tabernacle… anyway, a shop owner – single mother of 2 teen boys – was shot and killed by an ex-boyfriend whom she’d had a restraining order against. He then shot himself in the head but was flown to Penn State Hershey Medical Center and is still alive at this point. One of our students’ mother was good friends with the female victim. So sad. She was such a positive contributing member of the area, mother, owned 3 stores – including an educational resource store. So senseless.

  20. Hi all
    Sue I hope all went ok and you are resting well now
    Tonie
    You building sandcastles??!!
    Jen
    Good program on bbc1 9 pm tonight
    Well at shed.all seems okish as far as I know!
    My dad is dealing with the Dr…huh having just said that he’s just rung me on something..but never mind it was sorted for now. I’ve just got the NHS to ring later to see if they’ve sorted out the agency for me
    I can’t remember if I said she got into trouble yesterday for not going with my dad to hosp.when the ambulance came for his appt. then when they bought him back she was out and gone to town. He couldn’t get into the flat and the ambulance had to wait outside….so I thought it a good time to say again his food wasn’t still being cooked well. So I shall ring later to see if anything has been done
    My back I think is improving my sore breathing..well still doing the exercises….
    Still spraying fluid up nose..I did stop but started again with advice of physio and breathing
    Putting my eye drops in almost continually
    All good I not
    They say it’s gonna be nice next few days here
    Chris

    • CHRIS….YES DOCTOR FOSTER….BE WATCHING, LOOKS GOOD, BE WATCHING “GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF” BEFORE THAT TOO…………..GOING TO BE NICE HERE TOO TILL THE WEEKEND, WE ARE HOPING TO GET TO THE COAST TOMORROW, AND I AM ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR MY OSTEO SESSION, SO I SHOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE IN THE NECK AREA AT LEAST.
      HOPE THE NHS HAVE GOT IT ALL SORTED OUT FOR YOUR DAD NOW LOVE, FANCY YO DAD NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCESS HIS OWN HOME, POOR MAN.
      I HOPE YOUR BREATHING IS BETTER AND YOUR EYES……..TAKE IT EASY LOVE………JEN X

      • Yea I talked to the NHS and they are looking for a different carer Altho same agency..could be a week .hope he gets on with next one as it wasn’t just her I know also I can’t keep asking to change
        He is just getting annoyed with her ways and and and and it goes on. He is ringing up with all stuff. So hope it stops.i did say for him to consider a nice nursing home where he would be on his own when he wants. Nope…….
        So I will have to stop and stop.hes got this 24 hr care that is impossible to get for free even tho he’s got end stage Parkinson’s…..it’s all going around in circles instead of working at it
        Nice here now too
        Gonna pick some blackberries for DH just end of our plot….I can’t have em
        Oh lost some more weight
        Chris

  21. SUE….HOPE THE TRIP HAS NOT TOTALLY WHACKED YOU OUT, AND YOU ARE SLOWLY RECOVERING.

    TONIE…HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A BALL.

    LOVE TO ALL…………………………………………………JENNIE XXXXXXX

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