My Life With Chronic Pain

This pain is present every day,

Unyielding, oppressive, still there.

Why doesn’t it take a day off?

Who said life is always fair?

 

Inhabited by the unwanted

I feel victimized, possessed;

I ask myself all those questions,

What did I do? Was I too stressed?

 

How much is psychological?

How much is left to chance?

Will it get worse or better?

Should I take a reflective glance?

 

Depression displaced by anger,

I feel helpless, betrayed by fate.

Blaming myself, my parents, my genes

I face my own Watergate.

 

I begin to count my losses,

Labor through my grief,

My life, my body, my family,

All vandalized by this thief.

 

What can I expect to change?

What is always to be?

It seems all I valued before

Is now questioned, constantly.

 

Daily pain has rocked my world

As war, earthquake and flood,

As my own Richter scale responds

By changes deep within my blood.

 

I feel alienated from others,

Those vital, healthy and tanned

While I’m often despondent, alone,

An alien in my own homeland.

 

I often wallow and flounder,

Kicked by the foot of fate,

Yet each day I pass a mirror and say,

“This is your life! It’s getting late!”

 

Then it so often hits me,

I’ve had enough of this pit.

My life can’t lead me around

It’s I who must lead it.

 

I begin to look for solutions

If this pain is always to be.

Each day I look for hope in my life,

Imprisoned, I long to be free.

 

I take a daily inventory

Of all that I have left,

One day, I’ll stop asking, “Why?”

And begin feeling less bereft.

 

Instinctively, I reach out for joy,

Laughter feels so delicious inside

As it ripples through my body

Bringing its healing tide.

 

I’ve learned to love each day

Even the dark side and strife

For hidden within the heartache

Is a seed of renewal called life.

SUE FALKNER WOOD, 2006

I wrote this poem ten years ago and continue the daily fight against chronic pain, just as many of you do. It has been reprinted online on numerous sites as well as being published in a textbook in India. If I’m allowed to say so, it has always been a favorite of mine. It always rang true with me and how I felt at the time and continue to feel each day of my life. The battle rages on with its good times and bad.

12 thoughts on “My Life With Chronic Pain

    • Gail dear, I am sorry so much of this fits you. Hang in there as you are, one moment by moment. I pray there are times of joy, light and beauty in parts of your life. What do you do that brings you pleasure and happiness. DO you still work? I’d like to know more about so many of you. Thanks for being there for me. Fondly, Sue

  1. Wow. This hits it on the head! This last 2 weeks were really bad for me. Constant pain, major depression, anxiety and feeling hopeless just like the poem. Things are looking up the past few days because I fought it with everything I had. Today, I have a little hope. All the pain is there, nothing changed but I was able to pick myself up and dealing with it.

    I pray for you Sue, and anyone going through this. Just remember you are not alone.

    • Cindy, you, also must remember you are not alone. If no one in this world understood you, which is definitely not the case with all of us, you always have the presence of a loving Father. I do hope you feel able to turn to Him for strength when you need it and thank Him when you get it. God is such a living deity to me, not some cold hard piece of marble. I talk to Him all day long…i.e. If I can’t get out of a chair or bed, I pray for His strength, and get it. Even small things like opening a bottle of seltzer that is sealed tightly, help me Lord, and He does. It’s comforting and real. Hang on my dear. Depression is natural with all we go through…just don’t live there. When I write a poem or an article, I reach down deeply into my thoughts and heart and write whatever comes out. Do look for the light and the love, Fondly, Sue

      • Sue,

        If it were not for God I would not be here. I have an all day long talk with him asking for strength to get through thing like you said. I say good morning every day and read his scripture, thank him for a beautiful day and how much he has and continues to be with me through it all. When I get through things I thank him.

        He gave me an awesome husband that I thank him for all the time. I always have told my husband that God made him for me. Now there is a song out that says just that. I sent it to my husband and told him it was our song.

        Here are the words.

        It’s always been a mystery to me
        How two hearts can come together
        And love can last for ever
        But now that I have found you I believe
        That a miracle has come
        When God sends the perfect one
        Now gone are all my questions about why
        And I’ve never been so sure of anything
        In my life
        Oh I wonder what God
        Was thinking
        When he created you
        I wonder if he
        Knew everything I would need
        Because he made all my dreams come true
        When God made you
        He must have been thinking about me
        I promise that wherever you may go
        Wherever life may lead you
        With all my heart I’ll be there too
        And from this moment on
        I want you to know
        I’ll let nothing come between us
        And I will love the ones you love
        Now gone are all my questions about why
        And I’ve never been so sure of anything
        In my life
        I wonder what God was thinking
        When he created you
        I wonder if he
        Knew everything I would need
        Because he made all my dreams come true
        When God made you
        He must have been thinking about me
        He made the sun
        He made the moon
        To harmonize a perfect tune
        One can’t move without the other
        They just have to be together
        And that is why I know its true
        Your for me
        And I’m for you
        Because my world just cant be right
        With out you in my life
        I wonder what God was thinking
        When he created you
        I wonder if he knew everything I would need
        Because he made all my dreams come true
        He must have heard every prayer I’ve been praying
        Yes, He knew everything I would need
        When God made you (I thank God he made you, yes he did)
        When dreams come true (you are my love, my love)
        When God made you, He must have been thinking
        About me, ooh

        Cindy

  2. Sue
    Am thinking and praying for you and what you are going through right now
    The poem is just how I feel and then to keep on is just how it is
    Chris

    • Dearest Chris, always good to hear from you. Hope your Sjogren’s and gut are behaving as well as possible your DH’s B/P is stable. Love, Sue

  3. Cindy, I don’t think I’ve ever heard that beautiful song before. It says it all. I would also agree with each word of it. My husband’s love for me often confounds me and is also a constant reason to thank the Lord. I also chat with God all day long, in all manners. The Bible tell tell us to pray without ceasing and I do. Thanks so much for sharing. I know that took time and effort and know it will bless others. Fondly, Sue

  4. Ah Sue, how poetically written yet so much pain, I admire your bravery to constantly search for hope where it must often feel there is none. Its snowing here today, but crocus bulbs and daffodils along with snowdrops are still trying to push their little heads above the ground. They wont be deturred.

    • Rose tint, so good of you. Indeed, hope has its own life force. Awe early spring. I have a huge crimson camellia bush, two stories tall, blooming now with thousands of blossoms and our daffodils are just sprouting greens, no flowers as yet. I love spring. DO wish I could feel better for it. Hope all is well with you and your son. Fondly, Sue

      • Simon is fine Sue but my partner has broken his ankle in 4 places playing tennis:( I am nurse maid again and having to be careful I dont put my back out. Its going to be a few moths before he is back to normal. Thinking of you xx

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