Lost And Found In A Life With Chronic Pain

 

 

LOST:

I miss my mind most of all. “Where oh where has my little mind gone?”

I miss my firm, former body that didn’t hang down, jiggle, wiggle or rebel against me at every turn.

I miss one of my breasts.

I miss good posture.

I miss a day of shopping without sore, screaming feet.

I miss sitting over a leisurely lunch with my attention on my companion and the food instead of being on the pain in my sitter.

I miss being carefree.

I miss having a body that was user friendly.

I miss heavy lifting.

I miss reaching items on high shelves.

I miss many of the shallow, self-centered people who I can no longer tolerate.

I miss having one day without some degree of pain somewhere in my body.

I miss sexy shoes.

I miss sexy clothes that actually looked good on me.

I miss making sexy moves.

I miss…no, I’m not going to say it.

I miss my profession of nursing.

I miss slim, pain free ankles and a firm buttock.

I miss strong arms and shoulders.

I miss having only one chin. Now I have two, thanks to prednisone, but I can still only wear one necklace. I ask you, is that fair?

I miss traveling without a suitcase full of pills, heating pads, an ice pack, TENS unit and large bottles of Metamucil and MOM.

I miss leaping…anywhere.

I miss vigor.

I miss the ego-centric life without a care in the world.

I miss independence. 

I miss traveling wherever I want to, whenever I choose.

I miss running on the beach or romping in the sand with my grandchildren or my dog.

I miss wrestling, scuffling and rolling on the floor playfully with my pets.

FOUND:

In the midst of all this missing, I have found a few things along the way.

I found a new me and I think I like her more than the old me.

I found a greater empathy for others.

I found a love for life and cherish each day in a savoring way that I never had before.

I found you can buy anything online from the convenience of your home.

I found it is necessary to rely on God more than I ever have before.

I found He is even better at supplying my needs than the internet.

I found it is wonderful to rely on those who love you and others, new friends and old.

I found illness opens doors between all of us.

I found my own mortality.

I found a new awareness of the fragility of life.

I found this new awareness is not a bad thing.

I found my own opinions more deeply rooted in truth as they arose from my suffering.

I found a better way to express myself.

I found the impetus to express those feelings through writing.

I found a way of connecting to others through that writing and interchange.

I found survival, often against insurmountable odds.

I found life is best lived one day at a time.

I found peace in places and ways I never previously imagined.

Most of all I found hope amidst the missing and all that was left behind.

I found hope sustains me.

I found 50 times a day to utter the simple prayer, “Thank you, Lord.”

13 thoughts on “Lost And Found In A Life With Chronic Pain

  1. Oh yes sue..that really hits the spot
    As I was reading I was going yea..did the first bit and commiserating and agreeing
    Then you surprised me with the positive and there I was going yeaaa again
    How’s life with you and yours..we are still in lockdown but it is easing and we can go out more…but funny we don’t feel like it we are happy at home ..we found lots of stuff to do to keep us busy .DH has taken up art which he used to do years ago.and I’m pottering in the garden ..so out of what was a difficult time we found something else ..also you don’t have to worry about catching anything either
    But we will no doubt venture out in the car soon
    Chris

    • Chris, we are still isolated. Things have eased up a bit but not much yet. Jim has done more yard work and is now pressure washing the moss off our outside walkways and patio. We have much of it in Oregon. My life is much the same as always. I never go out except to doctors anyway. Saw the eye doc last week for my intraocular hypertension. You have such a talented man there. Hope your eyes are doing as well as ever and no worse. I am so sick of eye drops. Glad you like gardening as do I with my porch pots. Love the color!
      We all pray for the day we are open again. So much tragedy with all the businesses going bust here. Sad. Love you, Sue

  2. Sue, that all rings true! I miss my old life every day! I missed my infusion in March, due to fears of Covid-19 and now it appears I really need it now! The surgeon told me that my shattered femur would take a year to heal, and I’m trying not to be impatient, but some days it is difficult! I hope everyone is staying safe amidst this Pandemic. Gentle Hugs … pommum Brenda

    • Pommum, Safe so far. I am so sorry you missed your infusion. Most of us are going in to the docs but with masks and precautions. At my eye doc they had every third chair facing forward and the others blocked off. Everyone, doc included wore masks. Jim couldn’t even go in with me. About fell on my rear. Heal quickly my sweet friend. Much love, Sue

    • Lyn, thanks for sharing your reactions with me. Hope all is well for you and your canine, feline and human families all. I see on FB you’ve been inventing some tasty dishes out of your freezer. I need to do the same. Do take care, Love ya, Sue

  3. Sue- this is so awesome and uplifting. Thank you. As I sit here in pain- feeling sorry for me, wondering why I’m not like my girlfriends that I grew up with. They seem to be living such rich lives barely complaining about aches and pains. I want out of this barrel I’ve been trying to climb out of for so many years yet I know that if we could exchange our troubles- I would just a soon keep my own. Once again you have reminded me of that G word and H word. Grateful and Hope. Those continuous prayers always bring me through .

  4. Gail, I know. It is such a tiresome way to live. I want to be free of my pain and other symptoms every day. I just told my husband that life is so unfair. I have so much to deal with the word fair doesn’t enter into so here it is…my life, my challenges. We have to help each other through words, prayers and support of the uplifting kind. Thank you for being there for me and sharing with others as you do on FB. Hang in there gal. Hugs, Sue

  5. Sue
    Everyday I think of lines in this blog, lost and found. Although, I am blessed to still be more active than most, I have had a great slow down as well. With a lot of added pain lately, it’s harder to keep doing as I have. But, another find. I am finding my afternoon break to rest and enjoy a cup of coffee and muffin with my old doggie sitting with me is a treat.
    My sister was just saying how she sees other people her age who seem to have no problems doing what they want. She grieves over her loss of functions so much. I think I will print this out for her.
    Monday I go to the eye dr for my 6 mo check. And I am having a prob with my right eye. Like a shadow there, except it moves. What else ?
    So glad to see everyone here. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all sit down to a nice lunch and just chit chat all afternoon ? Virtual friends are wonderful, yes ? Please take care of you and your little fur faces.
    Love ya
    Tonie

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