MOMMA NEVER TOLD ME
…what it is to live with chronic illness or daily pain. Of course, my Mom was very healthy most of her life. All of what she had could be helped and she lived to be 93 years young. She could still pinch the cheeks off the grandkids when she was 80 years and older. She couldn’t teach me what she had not experienced when it came to illness and suffering therefore I went off into the world thinking all would be as planned for me. Nothing turned out as I had thought it would. Some of it is much better than I ever dreamed it would be except for the physical health side of life.
Momma never told me you can hurt day and night for years before even knowing what is wrong with you.
Momma never told me doctors are as varied as the planets. There are good ones, sadistic ones, kind ones and all with more knowledge than some other one.
Momma never told me a doctor should be valued for his compassion but also for his current knowledge in his field of expertise. If they were kind and patted her hand every once in a while, that was enough for her, even if the doctor was stupid as a stick.
Momma never told me my life would be totally upturned by an illness that was traveling viciously in one form or another throughout my family’s DNA. When she found out she was terribly hurt and blamed herself. I never understood that because the rheumatoid diseases my sisters and I all have were from Dad’s side of the family. I think it was a mother’s maternal fear for the safety of her children.
Momma never told me all of my training as an RN would be used for only a few years and the remainder of my life would be spent writing about it instead of practicing it.
Momma never told me how many wonderful people I would meet as the result of my illness.
Momma never told me how much of my nursing education I would use on myself.
Momma never told me what it is like to search for solutions when you are in so much pain you begin to think you have lost your sanity.
Momma never told me what it was like to want to smack a doctor.
Momma never told me the relief you feel when you finally find a doctor who says, “You have this and I think I can help you feel better.”
Momma never told me what a wide-spreading affect daily pain can have on your life.
Momma never told me how wonderful it was to be a mother but I saw it in her eyes when she became a grandmother. Now I understand both roles in life.
Momma never told me how hard it would be to parent children or teens when you spend half of your life lying down trying not to let them see you cry due to chronic pain.
Momma never told me the pain and frustration my wonderful husband would experience living with all of my frustrated anger as he struggled to keep our lives on a solid basis.
Momma never told me living in pain is no excuse to be a bitch. Had to learn that one the hard way.
Momma never told me how much patience and tolerance I would have to develop for others as well as myself.
Momma never told me I had to forgive my body for what is has done to me.
Momma never told me how frustrating it can be to try out medication upon medication and suffer their side effects while they strain the family budget.
Momma never told me how judgmental others can be when I can’t attend an event or a simple dinner due to the pain of travel or just sitting.
Momma never told me how painful it is to miss a recital of a grandchild because I’m having a particularly bad day.
Momma never told me I would eventually get over the embarrassment of carrying a soft cushion into a fashionable restaurant.
Momma never told me many folks think life with pain is a contest to see who will win the greatest sufferers award. You know, those people who say, “Oh I had that once,” or “Just perk up and get out more.” They are joined by the, “Girl, you don’t know what pain is,” crowd. No…but you’re about to.
Momma never told me there are some people who are a waste of my time, my life and my concerns.
Momma never told me there are many people in your life who are there for only a season and will move on, or you will move on. That’s not a bad thing. That is just how life is.
Momma never told me how lonely a disabled life can be.
Momma never told me how a lick on the face from a huge dog tongue or the leap of a small furry pooch can make you feel better. She also never told me about the joy of watching all pets, large or small bring joy to an empty heart. Dad taught me that.
Momma never told me how stubbornly and tenaciously I would work not to look sick. Awe, the wonders of a bit of lipstick.
Momma never told me how hard I could fight.
Momma never told me not to lie around all day in my bathrobe. I learned on my own how depressed that makes me.
Momma never taught me the joys of the simplest chores being accomplished ten minutes at a time. She was a “getter’ done” type of person. I’ve become more of a “hope to get it done eventually person”, learning the value of one step at a time.
Momma and Dad always told me they loved me.
Momma and Dad did tell me God would always be there for me.
Momma and Dad did teach me to garden and love the feel of soil, even in a pot of daisies on the porch. They were natural farmers with huge green thumbs.
Momma and Dad did tell me I could be anything in this world I set my heart to be. They just didn’t tell me how painful life could be. Maybe they didn’t want to scare me. I don’t think I taught my children that either. Some things need to be learned at the moment, during the event or hopefully, not at all.
MOMMA NEVER TOLD ME